Time To Change

If you live in the UK you might have noticed a few radio/television adverts regarding mental health awareness over the last year or so.  "Time To Change" is an initiative which aims to tackle the stigma and prejudice associated with having a mental illness.

This is an issue I feel strongly about, having struggled to maintain friendships once my mental health issues are mentioned.  I know I'm not alone in experiencing this.

I'm currently on state benefits due to my mental illness but find myself shying away from explaining to people exactly why I'm unwell.  It's a question I always fear and rarely answer truthfully.

Time To Change broadcast adverts such as this video, "Time to talk, time to change" (click here) which shows a man called Dave returning to work following mental illness.  When a colleague asks how Dave is you get to choose how the scenario ends by selecting the outcome.


As part of Time To Change you can MAKE A PLEDGE using this link to talk about mental illness, whether you share your own experiences with others or you just touch base with someone who you know suffers with mental illness.

Here is the pledge I made

The more mental illnesses are talked about in a positive light, the less stigma there will be.

From One Extreme To Another

One of the main symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is swinging from one extreme to another.  This can be in any aspect of life, and for me, it tends to feature in nearly all aspects of my life.  I'm a very all or nothing sort of person, but unfortunately I don't always have control over whether it's all, or if it's nothing.

I find I drink no alcohol, or far too much alcohol.  You're my best friend one day, and I hate you the next.  I'm sexually promiscuous or I'm celibate.  I'm on top of the world, or the world is ending.  I also find impulsiveness is tied up with extreme behaviour.  There is rarely a happy medium.  It is often said that those with a balanced life are the happiest.  I think there's definite truth in that.  On the other hand, those with a balanced life probably experience far less excitement, and they certainly miss out on a lot of impulsive adventures.

Although my life has been at times, an absolute nightmare, it has undoubtedly been colourful so far.  I've experienced snippets of many lifestyles that the majority have missed out on.

I moved to Edinburgh more or less on a whim to do an MSc I knew hardly anything about.  It was a struggle but I completed the degree.  One time I was so upset and distraught I climbed up Arthur's Seat (Edinburgh) in the middle of the night with the intention of harming myself, but when I turned to look behind me I could see the city lit up, and it took my breath away.  I just sat in the calm and stillness and watched the sun rise.

The view of Edinburgh at night

I've know what it's like to almost die, but at the last minute fate has dealt me a royal flush and I've come through. I've been as high as it's possible to go, and I've been right down into the pits of hell.  I've met so many people, some good, some bad, but all different.

There a lot of things in my past (and present come to think of it) that I'm not necessarily proud of.  But then these experiences have made me the person I am today.  In my 24 years I've had numerous one night stands, some with married men, the majority with complete strangers.  I've drank so much alcohol I've suffered alcohol poisoning and almost shot my kidneys.  I've taken so many overdoses and ended up in a coma.  I've taken class A drugs.  I've slept with people for class A drugs.  I've slept so much I didn't see daylight for a month.  I've compromised my safety and as a result been sexually assaulted twice, and raped once.  I've lost my freedom for months at a time and had to live on a psychiatric ward.  I lost a Christmas and a birthday to that ward. I've driven my parents to the edge of their sanity.  I've made my Dad cry like a baby, something I've only seen him do on two other occasions, when he lost his Dad.  I've been handcuffed and detained by the police for running through 70mph traffic.  I've known what it's like to lose all your money to an alcohol addiction, and sit in an empty flat, with ice on the inside of the windows, eating dry bread which you payed for with a pound you found in the gutter.

I'm not proud of these things; but at the same time it has filled me with empathy for others.  I've seen snapshots of how other people live their lives.  And I've been able to walk away from most of it.  It has made me grateful for the life I have today.  I appreciate having food, and money, and warmth and the support of my family and mental health team because at times I didn't have any of that.

Two years ago I remember speaking to a friend about how I dreamed to live in the future.  My wish was simple.  I wanted to live in a nice little cosy house near the countryside with a couple of dogs.  And today I have that.  My life isn't perfect, but it's what I wanted.  I never anticipated taking the path I have done.  When I made that wish I expected to plod down a simple route and eventually things would simply fall in to place.  How naive I was.  Instead the road has been rocky, and at times impossible.  But it's true what they say; it's not all about where you've ended up, but how you've got there.  It's the journey I've been on that makes where I am today that little bit more special.  And I wouldn't change it for the world.

New Year Resolutions

Had a lovely Christmas with my family.  It makes a change from last year when I was stuck in hospital.  New Year's Eve was okay too.  I normally cry hysterically at midnight because of the rubbish year that's just passed and the new year that's bound to go exactly the same.  But not this year.  I'm quietly confident things are going to get better.

My New Year Resolutions

 Lose 40 - 50kg.  
This sounds ambitious but I've got a professional diet plan drawn up and now have a diet counselor so I'm confident this goal can be achievable with the right mindset.

My starting weight is 111.8kg

To help me succeed in this goal I have the following sub-resolutions:

a) No eating in bed.
I got into bad habits in hospital because I don't like eating in front of people.  I would take stashes of food back to my bed and eat it late at night.  My medication also leaves me feeling peckish and I often sneak forbidden foods up to bed and scoff them.  I'm hoping banning all food from my bedroom will help with this.

b) Clean teeth every night
Again, when you're feeling depressed teeth-cleaning isn't a priority.  I rarely brush my teeth at bedtime.  By doing this I'm hoping that it'll stop me from wanting to eat.  Nothing tastes good after toothpaste!

c) Only take water to bed.
I often will take fizzy drinks or milk to bed which discourages teeth-cleaning.  I'm only going to take a glass of water to bed with me.  

d) Limit gym sessions to 3 x 30 min work outs per week with an optional 4th workout of up to 1 hour.
I have a tendency to exercise in an extreme fashion which leads to unattainable fitness goals.  I feel like a failure if I don't burn 800 calories off each day.  Hopefully by just going for 30 mins at a time I can keep exercising goals at a realistic level.


e) Limit weighing myself to once weekly (twice max).
Another problem I have is excessive weighing.  On a diet I often weigh myself three or four times per day (or basically any time I walk past the scales).  This time I'm going to have a weekly weigh in (and maybe a sneaky-peak midweek) to try and become less obsessive about my weight.