All change in the blink of an eye

No matter who you are or how you are it's not uncommon for a day you thought was going perfectly to suddenly turn into a nightmare.  Since the worsening of my BPD symptoms I've found that this occurs frequently.  Where as before, during spells of good mental health, these days would perhaps occur monthly. for me they occur around twice a week.  It's nearly always down to something very trivial. And it always feels like the very biggest problem the world could have thrown my way.

I felt like Superwoman

Yesterday is a good example.  I'd been having a rough couple of days anyway, my meal times had gone out the window, my sleeping patterns irregular and Sunday night turned into an alcohol binge that left me vomiting through the night and feeling worse for wear on Monday.  However, on Tuesday morning I woke up feeling like a new pin.  The weather had picked up a bit and I was looking forward to taking my dogs on a good walk to burn a bit of energy off.  My house was reasonably tidy, but I always enjoy a bit of light housework in the afternoon to get things ship-shape.  I had my sister coming round for tea and my parents were visiting a bit later.  I felt like superwoman.  Nothing could shake this positive feeling, and I was sure this would be the way I'd feel forever.


It all went wrong during our walk.  I let both dogs off the lead and one of them disappeared about 400 meters ahead and would only come back when she was ready.  We did manage to have a fairly decent walk but the disappearing dog trick had well and truly set the tone.

One of my dogs is a 4 and a half month old puppy.  I've been trying really hard to get her toilet-trained but it's proving very difficult.  I'm confident that my method is fine, it's just a very long, slow process.  Sadly, she had to live away from me for a couple of weeks when she was around 3 months as I spent a few weeks in hospital. I wonder if perhaps this has made things extra hard.

I spent over an hour stood by the back door with her, in blocks of around 10 minutes, waiting for her to go.  I could tell she needed to because she was doing her usual sniffing and walking round in circles.  After over two hours of being vigilant she finally caught me off guard and did it on the floor anyway.  

I just sat and cried and cried and cried and cried.  I felt so sad.  Within a few hours, after a cup of tea and a bath I was feeling fine again.  But during that hour following poop-gate I was just so depressed, and couldn't envision a time when I would feel okay again.  It literally felt like the world was ending.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is the lack of insight I have into my moods when they're at either end of the spectrum.  Now, while I'm ambling along in the middle of the mood spectrum I can see perfectly clear that I won't feel happy all the time, and that bad moods will pass.  But in the thick of it, all you can feel is the current mood and it just seems like that's the mood you'll spend the rest of your life in.  My response yesterday was that of complete over-reaction, but it happens so frequently, and no matter who tries to tell me the feeling will end I just can't see it.  I think for me, that is one of the very defining symptoms of my BPD.