Filling the void

One of the symptoms of BPD is a chronic feeling of emptiness.  It doesn't happen all the time.  Sometimes I feel jam-packed full of life and excitement.  But when the emptiness strikes it's really difficult to deal with.

I find myself flitting through different coping strategies.  I self-harm to distract from the emptiness.  Sometimes I over-eat and buy myself loads of food to try and fill the emptiness.  Sometimes I do the opposite and go on a diet to give me something else to focus on, something which makes me feel like my life is worthwhile.  I often spend money on clothes, or other things to try and make myself feel better.  I used to go out and sleep with men to keep myself from feeling the void inside.  The biggest thing I've done is buy a puppy.  I'd been intended to buy a puppy sooner or later, but one afternoon when the emptiness struck I went out and brought one home.  She helped fill my emptiness for a month.

But sooner or later the feelings of emptiness return.  Sometimes it hurts so much I just sit on the floor and cry like a baby.  I'm lonely.  I don't keep many friends.  And sometimes the few friends or family I do have are all busy.  Sometimes I just can't bring myself to talk to them because I know they'll only end up worrying.  So I just sit and cry and cry.  I wish I knew a way of permanently filling the space inside.

But for now I guess I just keep cycling through various different coping strategies which all result in the same thing; I feel emptier and emptier each time the feeling returns.